My husband won’t talk to me. Help!
So many women all around you are asking the same question: why won’t my husband talk to me? How do I get my husband to open up? Or why is my husband so stubborn? Ever ask yourself this question? We’ll dig into a little scenario and then discuss what is going on.
“Honey what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I can tell something is wrong. Please just tell me what’s going on??”
“Every time I do it just starts a fight. It’s not worth it.”
“Really? You’re going to say that to me? I start the fight because you refuse to talk to me?? Yeah it definitely is my fault. ”
“See, here you go again – just harping on me, telling me everything is MY fault. This is why I didn’t want to talk about it!! I’ve had enough of this!!”
And the conversation ends there. OR it blows up into a fight because now the wife is mad that the husband doesn’t trust her, and he must not care about the marriage because he never opens up.
She convinces herself that he doesn’t care about the marriage.
Why does this happen?
Is it because your husband just wants to be spiteful? Or is it because he doesn’t like you anymore? Is it because he doesn’t care if your marriage suffers?
It might feel that way, but that’s not actually the reason why this happens.
Here’s what it actually is: JUDGEMENT
Your husband shuts down, or doesn’t share his feelings because he’s afraid of being judged for them.
There’s a history of blame, or criticism hiding beneath the surface that leads to SHAME. And shame is what blocks your husband from sharing his feelings.
Even if his emotion seems to be anger – it is certainly more than that. Anger is nothing more than the tip of an iceberg of emotions that have been bottled up over time.
The only reason he doesn’t share his feelings is because he doesn’t feel it is SAFE to do so. This is different than the silent treatment.
How do we change this??
Provide a safe place and way for him to express let him feel that no judgement will come and that you only wish to hear what he has to say no judgement.
But I’m just trying to talk or ask for help.
It is completely understandable that you do feel like you are just trying to get him to help you with the dishes or just have a simple conversation about something that’s been bothering you.
But whether you realize it or not, your husband is more sensitive than you would think. Men have a tendency to show their emotions and sensitivities in different ways than women. And when you use certain languages, these sensitivities show themselves in two common ways.
Frustration (sometimes anger) or shutting down. Society bring up most of us men by not allowing us to express sadness, so when we feel judged, we tend to shutdown, because many of us don’t know how to express our emotions.
Ladies, this is where you come in. The language you use when you talk to your husband is incredibly important. Uses statements that concentrate on your needs, and your wants, rather than criticizing him for what he is doing/not doing to meet your needs.
Don’t tell him “I shouldn’t have to tell you to do the dishes” or “you should just know what I want.” That is one of the quickest ways to belittle your husband into not wanted to talk to you.
Instead say things like, “can you wash the dishes. It’s important to me that you help me with chores. It makes me feel loved by you.” Or something along those lines.
Granted, you can switch the roles and much of the same could be true for women not talking as well. But the important thing to remember is, your husband has needs, just as you do. Make sure to listen to him as well.
Most of all it is important to reflect on what you could be doing that makes him not want to talk. Begin to change the way you approach conversations, and you will start to notice a difference in the way he responds.