Wife Walked Out? How to Win Her Back
It’s any married person’s worst fear – that your spouse will walk out of your life one day never to return. Somehow, you’re supposed to move on. But the problem is, you only feel hurt and confused. You didn’t think things were this bad. And more that anything, you want to win her back.
Most people think that as soon as someone mentions the word “divorce” that your marriage is over. But that just isn’t true. That could actually just be the rock-bottom your marriage needed for things rebound. If your spouse has walked out on you, demanded divorce, and even said they don’t love you anymore, it hasn’t have to be the end. Here’s how to win her back.
My wife walked out. Is my marriage over?
No, not necessarily. Just because your wife left, doesn’t mean you can’t win her back. But it does mean that you have a serious issue on your hand. And it needs to be addressed promptly.
If your wife walked out, it could be a sign that you’re headed toward divorce. I’m a big believer that nothing is over until it’s really over. So you still have a chance.
Remember, that no one walks out of a relationship without a reason. And the first thing you should do when this happens is to analyze your own behavior to see how you might have contributed to any problems. We all have bad habits, and sometimes those bad habits can lead to the demise of relationships.
Why did she leave?
Understanding why your wife left is the most important part to moving forward. If you can identify the underlying cause of why she left in the first place, you’ll also learn how to win her back.
As much as you might not want to believe it, you had a part in your wife deciding to leave. Believe it or not, she probably didn’t want to leave – she just didn’t see any other choice. And so, out of desperation, she felt it necessary to leave.
There’s really only one possible reason: it’s because she was lacking something that she needed in the relationship.
Yes, it’s really that simple. The problem is, identifying the thing that’s missing can be tricky. To top it off, it’s also highly individualized.
If you truly have no clue what might be missing for your wife, here’s a couple of tips to identify it.
Think about what she would frequently complain about
You can probably hear it on repeat in your head. I’m guessing there’s one or two things that your wife would complain about regularly. She may have even pleaded with you to fulfill those things. But after a while of not getting, she gave up.
Well here’s the thing: when people don’t get what they need for a long enough time, they eventually go looking for it somewhere else. It’s a basic human survival technique. (And it’s actually a big reason why people cheat).
If she complains a lot that you never clean up after yourself, you should take that as a hint that it’s pretty important to her. Likewise, if you hear her say things like, “you never bring me flowers” or “we never go on dates anymore” – these are indications of things that are important to her. They symbolize her emotional needs.
And they shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Learn to identify her “love language”
Mastering your spouse’s love language is one of the best ways to strengthen your marriage. And, it’s actually a great way to fulfill emotional needs (like I said above).
A “love language” is simply the way in which you feel and communicate love. And they’re broken down into five categories: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts. And the cool thing is, everyone pretty much has one (or maybe two) primary love languages.
If you can identify the way that your wife feels love, then you can fulfill her needs, and enrich your marriage. And while you’re at it, take some time to learn your own love language! Knowing yourself a little better will make communication in your marriage much easier.
How to “win” her back
If you want to learn how to win your wife back, there’s one really important thing to remember. Winning = earning. Winning means that you’ve worked hard to earn something. It doesn’t just fall in your lap. You have to do the work to show her that you DESERVE her.
One other important thing to remember: Be authentic. If your wife senses any insincerity while trying to get back together, she will resist even more. Remember, she left in the first place because she’s trying to protect herself. Therefore, if she thinks you’re being fake or having ulterior motives, then you need to readjust your messaging.
But – if you know you’ll have to work for it, and you can be authentic while doing it, then have at it! Chances are, if you can show you you can fulfill her needs, she’ll really want to be with you again.
If you can show your wife that you understand why she left, why she’s upset, etc, it will give her reason to begin listening to you. Even if you’re not on speaking terms, a simple text message saying something this can improve your chances of winning her back:
“Hey, I understand you’re upset with me because of _________. It’s taken me some time to figure it out, but if I were in your shoes I’d be hurt too.”
One important rule to remember: don’t lie! If you don’t know why she left, then don’t say you do! You’re better off asking her what went wrong. If she walked out on you, it’s only fair for her to at least explain why.
Another tip – her reasons for leaving don’t have to make sense to you.
For years, my husband didn’t understand why it was so important to me that he helped with the housework (kinda like this guy). And it got to a point where I didn’t think I could handle it anymore. He would fight with me about it for years because it wasn’t logical to him. Therefore, he shouldn’t have to change anything, and I should just get over it. He didn’t need it, and therefore I shouldn’t need it.
And then I left. He couldn’t really believe it. But soon enough he realized it didn’t matter that it didn’t make sense to him. He just needed to realize that our needs were different. And as long as he could fulfill those needs, everything would be fine.
Acknowledge her pain
This piggybacks off of the last one a lot. You should acknowledge any pain you have caused her along (intentional or not). Tell her you understand that she is hurting, and work on understanding why.
This is very simple; it shows her that you care about her. You care enough to try to alleviate her sorrows. She’s probably been trying to get you to see that you’ve hurt her for quite a while. And she probably wants you to take some responsibility for it. Acknowledging that you had a hand in will go a long way.
At this point, this one should be obvious. When you’re admitting that you’ve fallen short in the relationship, you have to apologize. No exceptions.
Even if you didn’t mean to hurt her, an apology is due. An apology is simply an acknowledgment that you hurt someone else – it doesn’t mean that you necessarily did anything wrong. But an apology goes along way to mend a broken heart.
Proclaim your love
Once again, this is simple. Remind your wife that you love her. She walked out because she’s not sure that you love her. Her emotional needs went unmet, and now she feels unloved.
You might think, “well I’ve told her I love her before. Why isn’t that enough?” If she doesn’t feel it, it doesn’t really matter if you’ve said it. But once you’ve demonstrated your understanding, and apologized, she’ll be much more receptive to your love.
Ask for her forgiveness
Of course we can’t skip this step. If you want to know how to win her back, you’ve got to ask for another chance. She won’t come back unless you ask.
You’ve got to ask her to give you another chance. But this should ONLY come after the steps shown above. Otherwise, it’ll just look like you’re begging.
You need her to believe you can follow through the changes you’ve agreed to make. If she doesn’t believe you, you won’t be able to win her back. But if you can show her, with a sincere heart, that you can be the man she needs, she’ll come running back to you with open arms. All that’s left to do is reconnect with your wife, and you’re back on track.