Advice for Newlyweds: Myths and Tips
For so many of us, our wedding day signals the important day of our lives. When in reality, it is the first day of a life-long commitment and a lifetime of important moments and memories to make. Marriage is constant, so being married to your partner is a an active process. Here is some advice for newlyweds to help you manage your expectations, bolster your relationship, and avoid resentment in the future.
The thing about myths is that they often catch on because of human experience and assumption. Interestingly, myths are not always 100% false, there is some truth to them depending on the experience. But they are myths to me, because they don’t have to become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Much of whether something becomes true or not depends on action, and mindset. Let’s cover some of the myths that seem to pervade our culture about marriage.
Myth #1. The first year is the hardest.
You here people say this, and you hear people say the opposite. The truth is, is that it depends on you, and your situation. The reasons why people tend to think it is the hardest year, is because there are generally a fair amount of adjustments.
You may be living together for the first time, you may be having sex for the first time. Or maybe the only that is changing is you are legally bound to each other now.
If the latter is the case, your first year of marriage will have a lot to do with mindset. Don’t succumb to the fact that it will now be a challenge to leave the relationship. You got married so you wouldn’t.
If living together is new for you, then you have a lot to adjust to. But it is completely normal to have an adjustment period.
Don’t feel like there is something wrong with you if you are upset about your partner’s living situation. It is bound to happen. You will argue, but you can learn to argue effectively. Luckily much of the adjustment period is overcome by still being in the honeymoon phase.
Myth #2: Your wedding day is happily ever after.
I truly hope that everyone has the wedding they have always dreamed of. It should be a wonderful special day that represents the beginning of a life-long commitment. After planning for 6 months, a year, 2 years, it’s a challenge to not look at your wedding day as the end.
But it is really just the beginning. It’s a simple concept. Too many of us are so obsessed with the wedding that we forget what comes after. And that what comes after is the purpose of the wedding to begin with.
If your wedding does become a disaster, you want to be in a place in your relationship that you are just happy that you get to spend the rest of your life with your partner.
Myth #3: You run out of stuff to talk about after the first year.
This is a myth that perpetuates itself, only if you let it. You and your partner will not be the same people 10 years from your wedding day. You are both going to change.
And there starts the beauty of a marriage. You get to change together, and continually get to know each other as time goes on. Talk with each other. Watch movies, read books, and discuss those things. Any other hobbies you can think of, talk about them.
If you think like this, you won’t run out things to talk about for a lifetime.
Myth #4: Sex comes easy, even if its the first time.
This is an incredibly important concept to understand if you haven’t had sex with your partner before the marriage. Waiting until your wedding night, will probably not be the magical, hollywood fantasy you had in your head (That doesn’t mean it won’t still be special).
Sex is a skill. No one is good the first time. It takes time to understand your partner’s body.
It will get better with experience, and you will continue to get to know each other physically as time goes on. Be patient, don’t be shy to tell each other what you want or like. And don’t take offense when your partner asks for something you didn’t think of.
Myth #5 Marriage solves the problems you had while you were dating.
The biggest thing that changes when you get married is your mindset. This could be for the better or for worse. Your mindset changes because your reality changes.
The fact of the matter is that now it will be much more challenging to leave the relationship if things don’t go your way. Before you could break up.
Marriage puts more pressure on you to solve your issues because it is a challenge to get out. But it is NOT a magic pill. You still have to learn proper communication skills to solve your problems.
10 Pieces of advice for newlyweds.
As promised, here is some tips and advice for newlyweds.
1. Expect the unexpected.
Your life and your marriage will be full of unexpected challenges. Some of them good, and some of them less than ideal. No marriage is perfect (even though some feel that way at times).
The lack of perfection in your marriage is what makes it human. If everything was perfect all the time, you wouldn’t ever have the chance to learn. Which means you would never have the chance to grow.
That brings me to the next point…
2. You and your partner will change over time.
In 10 years your partner will not be the same as they were on your wedding day. Nor will they be the same person on your 20 year anniversary as your 10 year anniversary.
There is so much beauty in that. You have the PRIVILEGE to continue to get to know this person intimately for the rest of your life. That’s a pretty amazing fact when you think about it.
Never stop getting to know your spouse.
3. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you are invincible.
So many of us in our early relationships think that we are going to be with that person forever, no matter what. We think we are the most compatible couple who had ever walked the earth. And that’s great!
But the reality of being in close proximity to another person daily is actually crazy. And it will likely drive you crazy at some point. No two people on earth will agree on everything, and that will cause serious problems eventually.
I know when I got married, I felt like nothing could ever pull us apart. What I didn’t know was my wife was terrified when got married. And there were plenty of things.
I always said that I knew we weren’t invincible, but deep down, I thought we were. It wasn’t until the suggestion of divorce came up, that it hit me: I need to change some things, or I’m going to lose her.
Knowing that your relationship is not iron-clad is important. You need to work on your relationships and yourself
4. Create a bedtime ritual.
Creating a bedtime ritual is a great way to just spend some time with each other every night before you go to bed. We all get busy. Having a bedtime ritual can at least give you a small chance to connect with each other daily.
For us, we put toothpaste on each other’s toothbrushes to just show each other that we are happy to serve each other. We’ve been doing it since we’ve been together, and it really has saved us during our hardest times.
5. Spend regular quality time with each other.
Remember how we talked about how you should never stop getting to know each other throughout your marriage? This is how you do it. Schedule and spend quality time together.
Quality time is something that you are actively engaging with each other. It could be a conversation on a date night. Or Netflix and chill, but actually chill and cuddle without phone distractions. It could be learning tennis, or other hobbies.
It’s something where you are connecting via conversation, enjoyment, or just good fun.
6. Stay playful.
There will inherently be plenty of serious moments throughout your marriage. So when you aren’t having a crisis or talking about finances etc…, make sure you keep some playfulness alive
Don’t think that you need to grow out of being. We still regularly get in tickle fights and I can tell you when we decided to stop, that’s when things started going downhill.
The playfulness can really bring you back to simpler times, and remind you just how important you are to each other.
7. Learn how to communicate effectively.
You are going to argue. Like I mentioned earlier, no two people will get along all the time when they live together. Learning how to argue properly and respectfully is huge.
If you can learn to communicate effectively, you can minimize the amount of yelling, heartache, and misunderstanding that plagues so many relationships.
8. Learn how to get swallow your pride.
The goes hand in hand with learning how to communicate effectively. If you can get over trying to be right about your argument, and instead listen to your partner’s feelings and needs, you’ll be successful in your marriage.
9. Learn how to show gratitude.
Learning how to be grateful and show your partner gratitude is incredibly important in a marriage. This helps your partner feel like they are appreciated for what they bring to the relationship.
Showing gratitude isn’t just for your spouse. It is just as much for you. Being grateful for things helps you keep a positive mindset. Staying positive will help minimize the number of disagreements you have, and help you get through them more effectively.
Say thank you often, even for the littlest things. It is life changing. Remember that gratitude changes attitude.
10. Don’t talk badly about your spouse.
Just don’t do it. There is very little that will make your spouse feel as bad as this. Don’t talk badly about them to your friends, to your family, or on social media. And definitely, don’t talk down to or about them while they are present.
This will only give your friends and family permission to treat your spouse poorly. Whether it’s them subconsciously trying to ‘protect’ you or they are starting to dislike your spouse because of things you’ve told them, your spouse will always be in a losing situation.
Being a newlywed is a wonderful time in your marriage. There are some challenges, but if you follow this